Advice for the horticulturally harassed

“Change is what makes the world go round. Not love—love only keeps it populated.”
—Charles H. Brower

In 2003 our co-Hort Marty Milton made a sojourn to Alabama. In order to facilitate communication with the locals he was sent a copy of this vocabulary list from the helpful reference book, “A Language of Their Own”.

HEIDI—noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW—complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi. Hire yew?

EAR—noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: He cain’t breathe. Give him some ear.

BARD—verb. Past tense of infinitive to borrow. Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH—noun. The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain’t heard from him in munts.

IGNERT—adjective. Not very smart. Usage: Them Jawjah boys sure are ignert!

THANK—verb. Ability to cognitively process thoughts.

HAZE—contraction. Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah, haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit en his laf.

RANCH—noun. A tool used for tightening bolts. Usage: I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjah bard a few munts ago.

BARE—noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.

ALL—noun. A petroleum based lubricant. Usage: I sure hope my brother puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR—noun. A conflagration. Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing is gonna catch far.

TIRE—noun. A tall monument. Usage: Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

FARN—adjective. Not local. Usage: I couldn’t understand a word he said. Mus’ befrom some farn country.

FAT—noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: You younguns keep fat’in, an ah’m gonna whup y’uh.

RATS—noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.

RETARD—verb. To stop working. Usage: My grampaw retard at age 65.

DID—adjective. Not alive. Usage: He’s did, Jim.