Advice for the Horticulturally Harassed

Dr. C. was a regular writer and hortipersonality at BHN for many years until his retirement in 2011. As a nod to the 1980’s, we are herein reprinting an article from another era.

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner. —James Bovard

Lest you forget, Californians do have their own accent which must sound peculiar to others. Years ago, our horticultural buddy Marty Milton made a sojourn to Alpharetta, Georgia, and in order to facilitate communication with the locals he was sent a copy of this vocabulary list from the helpful reference book, A Language of Their Own.

HEIDI—noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW—complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi. Hire yew?

EAR—noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: He cain’t breathe. Give him some ear.

BARD—verb. Past tense of infinitive to borrow. Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH—noun. The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain’t heard from him in munts.

IGNERT—adjective. Not very smart. Usage: Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!

HAZE—contraction. Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah, haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit en his laf.

THANK—verb. Ability to cognitively process thoughts.

RANCH—noun. A tool used for tightening bolts. Usage: I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjah bard a few munts ago.

BARE—noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.

ALL—noun. A petroleum based lubricant. Usage: I sure hope my brother puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR—noun. A conflagration. Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing is gonna catch far.

TIRE—noun. A tall monument. Usage: Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

FARN—adjective. Not local. Usage: I couldn’t understand a word he said. Mus’ be from some farn country.

RETARD—verb. To stop working. Usage: My grampaw retard at age 65.

DID—adjective. Not alive. Usage: He’s did, Jim.