Dear Dr. Chlorophyll…

Dear Dr. C; “Why are tree trunks painted white?”

A. Sometimes for the same reasons that abalone shells, planters made from old tires, and rocks lining driveways are painted white. More often because such a coating can help protect the trunks of young trees from sunburn and borers, especially those exposed to reflected heat from walls or paved areas. This coating should extend to ground level and should be kept clean for maximum reflective capacity. A water-soluble white latex paint works nicely for this purpose but any light pastel could be used. Dare to be different. Go mad with mauve. Excite with ecru. Tease with taupe. Make a statement! No doubt your neighbors will have statements to make, too.

Dear Dr. C; “My friends and I have a query about what would seem to be a most common plant – that is, the pineapple. First of all, is this plant native to the Hawaiian Islands or was it brought there by sailors from South America? Secondly, and of a hotter dispute, are pineapples pollinated in their native habitat by hummingbirds, and if so, are there none in Hawaii and hence the pineapples cultivated there are seedless and therefore delightful?”

A. The pineapple (Ananas, from the native word) is indigenous to tropical America. Columbus and those who followed him collected plants and shipped them to Spain as royal delicacies for Ferdinand and Isabella and their cronies. From Spain they were reintroduced to plantations in Cuba, Puerto Rico, and Florida, and in the late 19th century to the Hawaiian Islands. At least 2 or 3 species of pineapple are pollinated in the wild by hummingbirds (rendering them inedible as the seeds develop) but the pineapples grown commercially today are the results of centuries of hybridizing and bear about as much resemblance to their wild ancestors as you do to Australopithecus erectus. According to Dr. Willis Gortner, the great Pineapple Kahuna, the preferred hybrid is “Smooth Cayenne” and it is propagated asexually, from suckers. Pollination is unnecessary and undesirable. Even so, occasionally a pollinated fruit appears on the Dole production lines in Hawaii – and the closest hummingbird pollinators are thousands of miles away. Go figure.

AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR SUMMER VACATION…

Make arrangements for someone to cover the watering and then scan the following inquiries sent by potential visitors to the Australian Tourism Website. The answers are those posted by website officials, excellent indicators as to why this country is such big fun to visit. You need to know that Kings Cross is the red light district of Sydney, and that Australia is home to more of the world's most poisonous snakes than any other continent.

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A. No. We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where you come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A. You are a British politician, right?

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia?

A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.